Suspicious in Sarasota

Dear Neologist,

Is there a word for alibis/explanations so badly and weirdly phrased that they completely convince you that the person giving them is guilty? Because after reading this one* I wouldn't trust this person with even a pet rock.

Suspicious in Sarasota

 

----

Dear Suspicious,

It took the Neologist several minutes to wrap their brain around this message—which should be all the proof you need that the Neologist is not, in fact, a giant boa constrictor. 

After giving thisss some thought, it is clear that this person is offering a 

Glaubwürdigkeitszerstörende Glaubwürdigkeitsbezeugung
     f, glaoob'-verdig-kites-tsur-shter'-un-duh glaoob'-verdig-kites-ba-tsoy-gong
     (a credibility-destroying credibility-declaration)

Sadly, even a cursory glance at the political landscape of our day suggests that this neologism was long needed and will see frequent use going forward. Stay strong!
Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

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Supportive in Secaucus

Dear Neologist,

My friend just had a great success, and I'm so happy for them! It made me realize that I am in need of the antonym for Schadenfreude. I cannot find one anywhere. The English equivalents—I'm happy for you, etc.—seem lame and dry. Is there a pre-existing German compound noun for such a thing?

Supportive in Secaucus

----

Dear Supportive,

Isn't it surprising—and then also not at all surprising—that this most famous of German compound nouns would not have an antonym? Perhaps now—in these dark times, when the milk of human kindness has slowed to a trickle—is the perfect moment to correct this glaring Sprachversäumniß (omission of language).

Henceforth, when you are witnessing the success of others with true joy and generosity of spirit, you are experiencing:

   Freundesfreudenfreude
     f, froyn'-das-froy'-den-froy'-duh
     (joy at the joy of a friend)

May we all feel it often and to its fullest potential!
Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Ragged in Rochester

Dear Neologist,

What's the word for when you are simultaneously in love with and freaked out by your life? Especially for when your life is overly full of exciting things which (separately) would be enough but (collectively) are a bit overwhelming. We are a committee of three delightedly overactive academics who need a new way to complain about our work-life balance. 

Maladapted in Manhattan
Overcommitted in Orono
Ragged in Rochester

----

Dear Maladapted, Overcommitted, and Ragged,

One wonders if the forming of a committee was a sensible response to overextension, or if the added layer of administration will only serve to make things worse. But of course, such pseudointerrogative editorializing is entirely outside the purview of the Neologist, who is here not to question but to serve.

You are suffering from

   Gleichgewichtsgefährdender Gesamterregungsübermaßzwiespalt
     m, glyke'-ga-wickeds-ga-fair'-den-der
     ga-zummed'-er-ray'-goongs-ew'-ber-mahs-tsvee'-shpult
     (equilibrium endangering total stimulation excess split-in-two-ness)

It is a common malady among those who combine intellectually curiosity with a deep-seated desire to prove their worth through personal achievement. Without drifting once again into the realm of the editorial, the Neologist assures you, that the Neologist understands, and wishes you good fortune in carrying your ultimately luxurious burden both lightly and gracefully.

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist

 

---

P.S. The Neologist took note of your decision to follow each period in your original letter with a double space, and has removed the excess spaces to spare you public embarrassment. Let's never speak of it again.

Overwhelmed in Ossining

Dear Neologist,

What's the German word for groaning at piled-up dishes the morning after a dinner party?

Overwhelmed in Ossining

----

Dear Overwhelmed,

the word you're looking for is

   Nachfeierliches Ordunungswiederherstellungspflichtstöhnen
     n, nac'-fire-lick-es ord'-noongs-vee-der-hare-shtel-loongs-pfligts-stoe'-nun
     (post-party order restoration duty groaning)

It's why the Gods of Order and Cleanliness made sure there are usually leftovers to fuel your necessary efforts. May the day-old cocktail weenies speed your journey!

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Shocked in Sheboygan

Dear Neologist,

Is there a word in German that explains seeing pictures of your friends from growing up on Facebook with their children who are now just as old as you were the last time you saw your friend in real life?

Sincerely,
Shocked in Sheboygan

----

Dear Shocked,

The word you're looking for is

     Sozialmedial ausgelöster Zeitverlaufsbewußtseinsschub
     m, zo'-tsee-ahl-may-dee-ahl' ous'-guh-loes'-ter
     tsait'-fer-laofs-ba-voost'-zayns-shoob'
     (social media triggered time passage awareness push)

It's existential jet lag, the painful realization
that it's later than you think. 

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Misjudged in Mississauga

Dear Neologist,

Need a neologism for the feeling of having to disavow an angry mob you were never actually a member of.

Sincerely,
Misjudged in Mississauga

----

Dear Misjudged,

As you're surely aware, you're suffering from

     Fälschlich zugeteilte Zugehörigkeitsschuld
     f, failsh'-lick tsoo'-guh-tile'-tuh tsoo'-guh-her'-ick-kites-shoolt'
     (Wrongly apportioned guilt of association)

The feeling strangling your heart is

     Freundschaftlicher Falschspiegelungsschmerz
     m, froint'-shuhft-licker fawlsh'-shpee'-guh-loongs-shmaerts'
     (Friendship-ly Wrong Mirroring Pain)

It's the pain of being seen as someone other than what you are by people who you thought would know you better. This is not to be confused with

     Persönlichkeitsverzerrungsschmerz
     m, per-zone'-lick-kites-fer-tser'-roongs-shmaerts'
     (Personality Distortion Pain)

which is just good old fashioned cognitive dissonance. The only viable corrective that doesn't involve an inordinate investment of social capital would seem to be a T-shirt clearly stating "I'm not with them!"

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist

Wordless in Weehawken

Dear Neologist,

I need the word for when you suspect there is a German word for a complex, paradoxically diverging emotion (as there is a German word for everything), but you can't come up with it at the moment. Can you help, please?

Sincerely,
Wordless in Weehaken

----

Dear Wordless,

Thank you for your question. You're thinking of

     Zeitweise Fremdwortfindungsschwierigkeiten
     f, tsyte'-vie-zuh frempt'-vort-fin'-doongs-shwee'-rig-kite-un
     (temporary foreign/strange word finding difficulties)

Of course, you're also -- blessedly -- wrong.
If there truly were a German word for everything,
who'd need the Neologist anymore?

Incidentally, the medical term for what you're describing
isn't without its charms, either. Any neurologist will tell you
that you're suffering from: Temporary Germano-Dysphasia.

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Lost in Humanitarian Limbo

Dear Neologist,

Our all-volunteer disaster relief team has been working very hard in an area that I will not disclose here. Regrettably, our operations director, who is at a far remove from both the situation here and, arguably, also removed from reality, is hampering our efforts. What is the neologism for someone who has the following traits?

1.  a high degree of incompetence
2.  a remarkable ability to state the obvious without solving the problem
3.  the corresponding capability to not answer any questions
     or provide useful feedback
4.  a bizarre obsession with his own looks

Help, Neologist.
Our efforts are important,
but our sanity is as well.

Sincerely,
Lost in Humanitarian Limbo

----

Dear Lost in Humanitarian Limbo,

Ah... the the frustration with inefficiency, the impatience, the personal judgment! You've chosen well to turn to the Germans in your moment of linguistic need.

From your description it's clear that your
operations director can be classified as a

     Selbstverliebter Hochdruckwindbeutel
     mit akutem Kompetenzdefizit
     m, zelbst'-fur-leeb'-tur hoak'-drook-vint'-boy-tel     
     mit ah-coo'-tum com-puh-tents'-day-fee-tseet'
     (a narcissistic high pressure gas bag with an acute competence deficit)

If you are confident that all your co-workers will stand with you publicly, and that they'll hold the line when things get tough, I say you put that man in a life boat and sail the HMS Bounty to friendlier waters. (Or the Schlachtschiff Bismarck, as the case may be.)

If the odds are that you'll have to go it alone, you have four choices (listed here in ascending order of German-ness):

1.  You can meekly accept circumstances you cannot change.
2.  You can resign in protest.
3.  You can start needling the man with passive aggressive
      little "jokes." It's a somewhat dangerous tactic
      known as confront and puncture and may actually deflate
      the man. It may also get you fired. Even money.
4.  Or you can invade a neighboring country. (This will not change
      your operations director, but it'll make you feel better.)

Whatever you do, know that the Neologist's heart goes out to you. Having to deal with egomaniacs is bad enough, but it is the inefficiency that makes the Teutonic soul cry in agony. (What does that sound like? I'm glad you asked.)

May your Windbeutel spring a leak, flatulate across the room
and fly out the nearest window in hilarious helplessness.

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Tardy For The Party

Dear Neologist,

I write to you on behalf of a friend -- and yes, it really is on behalf of a friend. This  friend recently posted the following on her Facebook page: "Would love it if someone could explain the blip in the space-time continuum that takes me from 7:30 (and in good time to start getting ready for work) to 8:18 and really late."

I, too, have noticed this blip, but it occurs slightly later, when I am ostensibly ready to leave for work, but am not yet seated in my automobile. In other words, the problem lies less in getting ready to leave the house, and more in actually getting out of the house. Perhaps one word could describe both situations, or perhaps, in your infinite logosophia, you will determine that two words are necessary. I defer to you.

All my best to you and yours,

Tardy for the Party

----

Dear Tardy for the Party,

Two words? Hardly. A problem involving the very nature of spacetime requires at least four. (For ease of use you may keep them in a closed box with your cat.)

The four words in question are:

mutwillig unterbewußte Pünktlichkeitsverschiebung
f, moot'-vil-lik   oon'-ter-buh-voos'-tuh   poonkt'-lick-kites-fur-shee'-boong
(willfully subconscious punctuality shift)

This phenomenon is the everyday repudiation of that old German chestnut, the Triumph of the Will. Which is certainly something worth repudiating daily. That said, the problem isn't the Pünktlichkeitsverschiebung itself, but rather the willfully subconscious part. While the Neologist isn't favorably disposed to passing fads, there does appear to be demonstrable utility gained from self-directed honesty and conscious awareness of one's desires and decisions.

Therefore one would advise your friend to take note of future punctuality shifts, and to analyze whether recurring triggers exist. Short of full-blown agoraphobia, it seems likely that patterns will emerge. Is it the destination that provokes resistance? Is it the route of travel? The means of conveyance? Undesirable companionship along the way? Or is it the hour of departure? (The Neologist's strong resistance to the forces of A.M. chauvinism is well documented.)

Once analysis leads to clarity, perhaps there is the possibility of sidestepping the triggers, or of fundamentally adjusting the parameters of the journey. No hour of the day is inherently superior to the next. What is important is the respect of honoring an agreement made. If it has been mutually decided to congregate at a given time, one need be there to avoid involuntary rectangulation. 

Allow me to express it in a formula:

The appointed hour (A) divided by the actual time of arrival (T) equals overall happiness (H) with the exponent (r) signifying respect. It is a matter of Höflichkeit -– courtliness.

Of course, to be truly courtly would require the donning of a powdered wig, or of a cascade of intricately nested skirts, or possibly both. While undeniably attractive, such attire is at cross-purposes with the stated goal of punctuality. But I digress.

The Neologist hopes that he was helpful to your friend. He is flattered that you turned to him for advice, and that you allowed him to expound on so grave and pervasive an issue. However he must also now alert you to the fact that you should have left for work ten minutes ago.

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Struggling Yet Proud

Dear Neologist,

I am a senior college student planning on opening a coffeehouse of my very own after I graduate. Until that goal is reached, I must satiate myself with my at-home coffee and espresso dabbling. As I have strived in the last few years to educate myself about specialty coffee, I have unfortunately sensitized myself not only to the joys of good coffee but to the horrors of coffee poorly treated. While I would have endeavored to become a coffee geek, I have turned myself into a coffee snob. Can you help me find a word to describe the difficulty of living with a disdain for both bad coffee and my own precociousness?

Struggling Yet Proud

----

Dear Struggling Yet Proud,

Thank you for your question. You are being hit by

Gerechtfertigter Realsnobismus Rückschlag
m, guh-rect'-fair-tig-tur ray-uhl'-sno-biss'-moose rook'-shlug
(justified, realistic snobbery recoil)

The best term to describe the difficulty of living with this condition is the beautiful cognitive dissonance, but this is neither German, nor a compound noun, and thus does not serve our purpose.

For that we have to turn to

Koffeiniertes Geschmacks- und Gefühlsdualitätsleiden
n, cough-eh-ee-neer'-tes guh-shmucks' oont guh-foolz'-lie-dun
(caffeinated taste and feeling duality suffering)

Much like cognitive dissonance, it's a bitch! I often find myself struggling with the same condition, though it is brought on by other triggers. Thus far I have found no reliable cure. In your case, perhaps you can Irish up that coffee? I wish you good luck, both in your entrepreneurial endeavor, and in your quest to reintegrate the dueling parts of your personality.

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Clairvoyant in California

Dear Neologist,

Could you please help me with an appropriate word for when you know you predicted that something was going to happen, and that thing that happened was not a good thing, and you feel conflicted that you feel good about being right about this not so great thing?

To illustrate: My friend predicted our economic downfall and is not happy about the downfall, but has some pleasure in being right about it coming, yet feels bad about feeling good about being right.

Thank you for your time,
Clairvoyant in California

----

Dear Clairvoyant,

Thank you for your question. Your "friend" landed a substantial

schwarzmalerischer Zunkunftsvorhersagetreffer 
m, shwartz'-muh-lur-ish-er Tsu'-koonfts-fore-hare-zuhg-guh-tref'-fer
(black-painting future prediction hit)

and is now feeling

Stolzbefleckte Schadenreue
f, shtoltz'-bah-fleck-tuh shuh'-den-roy-uh
(pride-bespeckled damage remorse)

Schadenreue is, of course, a combination of the ever-popular Schadenfreude, (damage joy, happiness at the misfortune of others) and Reue (remorse). One admires your friend's keen understanding of the financial sector, and hopes that his friends in turn chose to act on his advice in time to avoid the worst of the damage. One further hopes that he now has the good sense to abstain entirely from ever mentioning that he had told us so, because as we know from Mr. C. Montgomery Burnes "I told you so has a brother. His name is Shut the hell up!"

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist 

Multi-Talented in Tennessee

Dear Neologist,

Please help, and quickly!  I'm supposed to give a speech in a few days about a student of mine who is both a vocabulary fiend and a linguaphile (French, Latin, German, and Gaelic). He is also one who not only pursues but achieves some level of skill in odd hobbies---like Tuvan throat singing and juggling.  

Can you provide a word that describes someone who masters strange hobbies?

Thanks,
Speaker in Tennessee

----

Dear Speaker,

Thank you for your inquiry on behalf of your multi-talented, linguaphilic student. It strikes me that the word you need should not only describe somebody who masters strange hobbies, but a multitude of them. Clearly your student is a

Vielsprachiger Steckenpfau
m, feel'-shpruh-keeg-ur Shteck'-ken-pfow
(multilingual hobby peacock)

The word Steckenpfau is a combination of Steckenpferd (hobby horse) and Pfau (peacock), because there is always an element of gleeful ostentation when a person of immodest talents lacks the good manners to hide his unfairly apportioned gifts.

One would hope that your student, faced with the inevitable setbacks of life and treated with gentle but consistent chastisement by his peers and mentors, will eventually foreswear his profligate ways and settle on no more than one foreign language and one acceptably mainstream hobby, such as philately or dressage.

The Neologist 

Brooklyn Girl Stuck in Orlando

Dear Neologist:

I lived in Brooklyn New York almost all my life until 3 1/2 years ago when I made the unfortunate decision to move Orlando, Florida. Why would I move to Orlando from Brooklyn, you ask? I have a lot of family here... and since I was priced out of NYC real estate, wanted to buy a house and have a yard.

Quickly realizing that I felt like an alien in this land of theme parks, strip malls and rednecks, I put my house up for sale. But alas, the real estate market has crashed here and after 9 months and not a single offer, I took my house off the market. Now I am stuck here until the real estate market upturns and I can sell my house. I can't rent my house unless I take hundreds of dollars less than the mortgage.

Can you please give me a German compound word for my predicament?

Sincerely,

Brooklyn Girl Stuck in Orlando

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Dear Brooklyn Girl,

Oh my! Once again, a short, pungent Americanism seems most appropriate to your situation. Right away it's clear that you're exiled in a

Palmenbepflanztes Immobiliengefängnis
n, pahl'-men-buh-pfluntz'-tess im'-moe-bee'-lee-un-guh-fang'-nis
(palm-begrowthed real estate prison)

In a previous column, I mention the concept of

Fernweh
n, fairn'-vay
(homesickness for the far away)

This is simply, and terribly

Heimweh
n, hyme'-vay
(pain for home, homesickness)

Your circumstance is made immeasurably worse, though, by the fact that you got trapped in the consequence of a decision you yourself made, but that seemed fairly easily reversible. (I hate those!) Certainly, once could make the case that there are people much worse off. They may not have a house at all, or would love to live in Florida. But one would be an ass then, wouldn't one? You can't argue with homesickness. I spent a year in one of America's most liveable and desired cities, and I was miserable.

What can you do now but wait for the economy to rebound? Perhaps it's a good moment to get involved in a voter registration drive to advance your enlightened self-interest and meet fellow members of the diaspora perhaps? If nothing else, take heart in the fact that your years in exile will leave you bursting to make new art the minute you return to a place that makes you happy. You are sure to experience a serious

freudiger Heimkehrschaffenskraftausbruch
m, froy'-dig-gur hyme'-care-shuf'-fonz-ouws'-brook
(joyful home-return-power-to-create-erruption)

In the meantime, I keenly feel your pain, and hope
that an unexpected solution will present itself in short order.
Hängen Sie in there!

The Neologist 

Epically Inert in Illinois

Dear Neologist:

[Will you please] invent a word to describe the psyche of my sweetie,
whom I call Lion because she looks like one? Seriously. A she-mountain lion.

So here's her deal: She is of German and Slovak descent. She was raised Catholic in a middle-of-nowhere southern Illinois village. She has been obsessed with Blondie since childhood and always wanted to be a guitar goddess at CBGB's. She was the valedictorian and prom queen in high school. She is extremely talented in the arts, sciences, athletics, etc. etc. etc. Yet she can't seem to decide what she really wants to do with herself, so she often does nothing. She is inert in an epic way. And she has this odd idea that feeling or voicing the slightest pride in oneself -- be it one's appearance or accomplishments -- is somehow in very poor taste and verboten.

What is the deal with this lesbo lion?

Thanks,

Kat Fancier

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Dear Kat Fancier,

Goodness me. Outsize dreams are deemed childish, and pride in accomplishments or appearance are verboten? Your Mountain Lioness does sound awfully German. I know the feeling well. Combine that with a healthy dose of option paralysis, and it's easy to see why one would end up epically inert, as you said.

It seems to me that your partner is dealing with a severe case of

Enttarnungsfurcht
f, Ent-tar'-noongs-foorkt
(fear of being de-camouflaged)

Admitting to one's deepest desires, even to oneself, is a great and intimate commitment that can't be undone. As soon as you actually allow a clearly defined wish to form you've opened yourself to the real possibility that it may go unfulfilled. To the soul of an overachiever -- and that's clearly the case with your Lioness -- an unfulfilled wish is never simply a matter of chance. It's always a personal failure -- mistakes made, eventualities unanticipated, too little work invested. Just thinking that this might happen can lead to stasis. Better to keep all desires in a nascent and certainly unspoken state, so they are nothing but an amorphous cloud of dreams deferred.

What can you do to help? Not much, I fear. It's all in her head, where those near and dear often have no admittance. In fact, what you might see as a gentle, loving push may very well come across as nagging, as a confirmation that your Lioness is fundamentally lacking in your eyes.

She will have to make the decision to move forward on her own. Until then, don't scold or encourage. Both only add pressure, which -- believe me -- she has covered all by herself. Just give freely of your love, and be patient.

When she does feel that she wants to define and pursue her goals, I personally find that a stable, daily activity in furtherance of the dream works best to build momentum -- something that is done almost automatically, so as to short-circuit doubt and fear.

At that point your She-Lion may experience the joy of

Bewegungsgezündete Seelenerleichterung
f, buh-vay'-goongs-guh-tsoon'-duh-tuh zay'-lun-err-like'-ter-rung
(motion-ignited soul-lightening)

Viel Glück on your journey together!

The Neologist

Childless in Cook County

Dear Neologist:

All of my friends are having babies! Despite the fact that they all know me quite well, and are plainly aware of my slight aversion to having children of my own, these dear friends of mine consistently demand that I have a few of my own.

My question is two-fold. Is there a German compound noun that will allow me to defuse their hopes for eine kinder of mein very own, at least in the near future? And then, is there a neat little package that will describe my small fear of children of my own that also describes my capability to care-take the offspring of others?

Most sincerely,
Childless in Cook County

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Dear Childless,

Let me begin by saying that you're obviously a horrible, horrible person for shirking your genetic duties in favor of what we can only assume is a non-stop sybaritic pleasurama lifestyle of constant hedonism and consequence-free interpersonalization. For shame!

Now... the Neologist feels your pain, having also been encouraged, on occasion, to give to the world a few itty-bitty little Neologists, despite his insistence that it's really not for him. What will be the magic word to get your friends to respect your procreative boundaries?

First you might tell them that you are

wahlunfruchtbar
adj, vuhl'-oon'-frookt-bar
(infertile by choice)

Should you use the word in writing, please be sure
not to omit the first h, lest you be walunfruchtbar --
infertile by whale.

Your friends are sure to tell you something along the lines of "Oh! You say that now, but you'd be such a great parent! You just wait. You'll meet the right person and you'll have kids and you'll wonder why you waited so long and it'll be great and we can all go to the playground together."

In this case you can go one of two ways. If you want to gently ease out of the whole topic, you might simply cast your eyes to the heavens, tilt your head to the side, drop your voice to a pained whisper and ask "Have you ever heard of the German term unerklärliche unwiderrufliche Kinderlosigkeit? I'll explain, but it's just so painful to even talk about... I'm sorry... " That ought to give you a few months' peace.

unerklärliche unwiderrufliche Kinderlosigkeit
f, oon'-err-claire'-lick-uh, oon'-vee'-durr-roof'-lick-uh
kin'-durr-low-zig-kite
(inexplicable, irrevocable childlessness)

If you feel like being a bit more direct and/or truthful, it would be hard not to give the same initial advice as to "Slowly Spinning in San Simeon." But if you'd like to be a bit more high-minded about it, and keep yourself in the pool of possible baby-sitters, why not declare yourself:

grundsätzlich kinderfreundlicher
Vortsetzungsnichtteilnehmer
m, groont'-zatz-lick kin'-durr-froind'-lick-urr
fort'-zat-tsoongs-nickt'-tile-nay-murr
(fundamentally friendly-to-children procreation-non-participant)

Or did the Neologist misunderstand your query? Are you looking to express a minor fear of minors, regardless of genetic bond, and the desire not to be asked to take care of any of them ever? In that case, you might go for broke and say "I love children, especially in a nice burgundy sauce." But such things tend to rankle, and bring the attention of law enforcement.

Perhaps you should simply,
yet emphatically classify yourself as

kinderinkompatibel
adj, kin'-durr-in-come-put-tea'-bull
(child-incompatible)

Viel Glück!

The Neologist 

Slowly Spinning in San Simeon

Dear Neologist:

Since I was a kid my Mom always said "go slow" when we were on our way out of the house. But living in California and working in the clay arts it's all about "instant success." Is there something I can say to my artist friends when they challenge me in my artistic quest for all things "quality, not quantity"?

Thank you for this kind service when one special word said in a dramatic way is so necessary sometimes. Even if it's a German word said with an Italian accent while splattering clay.

Slowly Spinning in San Simeon

----

Dear Slowly Spinning,

In a situation such as yours I would find it difficult to resist the urge to seek refuge in a simple English BUZZ OFF! Hell, I might not even use the word "buzz." But civility demands restraint. And if the German language can offer anything it's most certainly the civil expression of repressed anger. Thus I suggest that --- upon your next confrontation with your friends' lust for instant glory --- you unleash upon them the concept of

Künstlerischer Gährungsprozeß
m, qu'nst-lur-reesh-er gay'-roongs-pro-tsess'
(artistic fermentation process)

You might also mention the German saying

Gut Ding braucht Weile.
goot ding browkt vile'-uh
(A good thing takes time.)

While there is much to be said for a daily artistic discipline in creating new work, being awarded the trappings of worldly success for said work isn't always under our control. Hence the maddening need for patience --- and for German compound nouns --- to keep eager friends (and one's own inner voice) at bay.

Viel Glück!

The Neologist 

Full Passport but Empty Prospects

Dear Neologist:

I miss my old life, my life of living/working in Europe (Germany and Prague), drinking good coffee, using dependable transport and having an excuse not to celebrate things like the 4th of July. Problem is, now that I am back in the US, I am directionless... working a pointless job and dreaming of life abroad, which feels like it will never happen again. My friends can't seem to understand and all think that settling down is the way to go.

Hilfe! I need a word to call my own.

Full Passport but Empty Prospects

----

Dear Full Passport,

As much as the Neologist aches to create a new word for you, the German language already has the right term to serve you. The word is

Fernweh
n, fairn'-vay
(homesickness for the far away)

It's a powerful force, and can be quite painful. It's not the Neologist's place to ask, but why don't you go back to Europe if your heart is calling you there? Surely you'll find a job that will make you happier than your current one. Life is short. Why wait? A dream deferred is a dream denied. Perhaps you should practice

entschlossene Herzenswunscherfüllungsarbeit
f, ant-shloss'-un-nah Hertz'-sense-voonsh-er-fuel'-oongs-arrrh-byte
(determined heart's desire granting work)

Seize the Tag!

The Neologist

Grappling in Peoria

Dear Neologist:

I am attempting to disguise my obsessive-compulsive behaviors by convincing myself that magic is real, & if I circle the dining room table three times counter-clockwise, I will win the World Wrestling
Federation title to which I am actually entitled.

All I need now is the word for what I'm trying to do. When I say it three times fast, it will work.

Signed,
Grappling in Peoria

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Dear Grappling,

Why would you want to disguise your obsessive-compulsive tendencies? Didn't you get the memo? The geeks have inherited the Earth. Washing your hands 20 times before lunch and arranging your ball point pens by order of ink depletion may actually win you friends these days.

But the Neologist isn't here to judge, of course, but to neologize. The word you're looking for is

Charme-ähnliche Persönlichkeitstarnung
f, shurm'-ain'-lick-kuh per-zoan'-lick-kites-tar'-noong
(charm-approximating personality camouflage)

The scientific name would be semi-dissociative pseudo-Aspergers -- or Hoffman's Disease. A variant of the disease did, of course, do wonders for the professional wrestling career or Andy Kaufman, but for legal reasons the Neologist will have to refrain from advising you in the oiled-up arts. That said, it never hurts to have a folding chair handy.

The Neologist 

Ennui-filled in Education

Dear Neologist:

I am giving a midterm this week, and apparently a significant percentage of my students either require spoon feeding or constant reassurance that they are en route to a good grade. At present, when I look at my inbox and see the messages waiting for me, my heart begins to sink. Can you give me a word to describe the feeling for when you know you are about to be incredibly irritated by someone or something? (And will have to be gracious and kind in response to boot!)

Thanks ever so,
Ennui-filled in Education

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Dear Ennui-filled,

Your students are triggering in you a condition common among those engaged in professions that necessitate frequent contact with large, mostly unscreened population samples. As the director of the St. Elderwart's Hospital for the Annoyingly Infirm wisely remarked "This would be a sweet gig if I didn't have to deal with all these damn patients every day." The feeling you are experiencing is:

Höflichkeitsgehemmter Vorzorn
m, hoif'-lick-kites-guh-ham'-tear fore'-tsorn
(anticipatory wrath held in check by manners)

It takes a person of life-tempered optimism and emotional endurance to keep in check one's natural tendency to rebuke and reform. Even if it is done in the hope of bringing your students closer to the radiant level of humanity embodied by a more refined soul such as yourself, those in the process of being thus elevated tend to be a bit miffed about the whole thing, unaware as they are of their current shortcomings.

Kudos for accepting a certain level of personal discomfort so as to create in your class a spirit of acceptance and nurture, reluctant though it may be.

The Neologist 

Cloven in Chicago

Dear Neologist,

As a creative being that also likes to dabble in sales, agentry, PR, marketing, and other acts of betrayal-to-my-spiritual-self, I am frequently beset by periods of confusion: Who am I? Am I a starving artist? Or a money-grubbing capitalist? What is the word for a half-and-half such as myself?

Cloven in Chicago

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Dear Cloven,

Thank you for your inquiry. The conflict between artistic inspiration and the pursuit of filthy lucre is as old as Michelangelo's "David After Losing 20 Pounds in 20 Days Thanks to the New SlimFast™ Diet." The word that describes the condition is simply "credit card owner."

What's interesting is your anguish about the necessary
cleavage of your persona. It appears that you are a

Spiegelkammergefangener
m, shpee'-gull-com'-er-guh-fung'-uh-ner
(mirror chamber prisoner)

The cure? As you find success in your efforts
you'll simply get too busy to worry. You'll reach
the blissful state of

Produktivitätswohlgefühl
n, pro'-dook-tee-vee-tates'-vole'-guh-fuel
(productivity well-feeling) productivity bliss

The Neologist 

World-Weary in West Hollywood

Dear Neologist,

I have a problem with reconciling myself to the difference between potential and reality. Some things or people or situations seem really exciting and promising and generate all kinds of ideas or high expectations, but then I frequently find myself disappointed by their actualization. I would like to be able to sum this up with a high-falutin' German word that I can drop into conversation with a slightly embittered sigh. Please help!

Sincerely,
World-weary in West Hollywood

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Dear World-weary,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
You are clearly experiencing

Erwartungsentzauberung
f, er-wuhr'-toongs-ent-tsouw'-buh-roong
(Expectation Demagication)

This is also related to the problem of

Rückwirkende Vorfreudensauslöschung
f, roik'-virr-kun-duh fore'-froi-duntz-ows'-loi-shoong
(retroactive joy-of-anticipation expungement)

Please, hang in there! Don't lose your

Hoffnungsfundierter Liebesunklarsinn
m, hoff'-noongs-foon-deer'-tur lee'-bus-oon'-kluhr-zinn
(hope-based love un-clarity)

that lets you suspend your cautious disbelief
in the hopes of finding the Real Thing after all.

The Neologist 

Willkommen to the Neologist

Good afternoon. Welcome to THE NEOLOGIST. Do you ever find yourself grasping for a word? A word that will not only describe precisely what you mean to say, but also dazzle the person you're speaking to with your brilliance and wit? A word that will immediately telegraph your utter intellectual superiority? If so, rejoice! The Neologist is here to help you with the soothing power of the German compound noun.

Sure, you could rely on old standbys such as Zeitgeist, Schadenfreude, or even Fahrvergnügen if you're looking to provoke the kind of thin-lipped smile that blooms reluctantly on the face of a person suppressing intestinal discomfort.

The German word for that would be

Höflichkeitsschmerzlächeln
n, hoif'-lick-kites-shmartz'-lek-keln
(courtesy pain smile)

But why use a word off the rack when you can
have one tailor-made exclusively for you?
Why not discover the pleasures of

Wortfindungsfreude
f, vort'-fin-doongs-froy'-duh
(the joy of word finding)

I invite you to send me a definition of the word you need
and I will create it for you, made to measure.

Let me give you an example:

Dear Neologist,

I have a strong tendency to overcommit myself due to excessive enthusiasm for my own ideas. Is there a German word for the decisions I make in this state?

---Frazzled in Fresno

Dear Frazzled in Fresno, you clearly suffer from

Enthusiamusbedingte Grenzsinnverzerrung
f, en'-too-zee-uss-moos-ba-ding-tuh Grantz'-zin-fer-tser'-oong
(enthusiasm-caused distortion of your sense of boundaries)

which leads you to commit the occasional

Überbegeisterungsfehltritt
m, oo'-bur-ba-guys'-tar-oongs-fail-trit
(a wrong step taken due to excessive excitement).

Begeisterung
f, buh-guy'-stir-oong

is, of course, the German word for enthusiasm,
literally meaning to be possessed of spirit.
And there you have it.

Please let me know your neology needs at neologist@344design.com